Today, I’ve taken a pair of metaphorical scissors and severed an emotional attachment that I had with a long-time friend. I say this, as if it meant nothing to me, but in truth, it took everything out of me – emotionally. The experts call it “Self-preservation” and I’m sticking to it – for my own sanity.
I will even state my severing as “Writing the final chapter of a friendship” because I intend to end it off so that everyone has some degree of closure.
If I’m being honest with myself, the only reason for my clinging onto this “friendship” was the fact that we’ve been friends for so long. My eyes opened up a couple of years ago when I realised what true friendship is while rekindling a friendship with a school friend – The Brain… you know who you are.
This was a kind of friendship that I couldn’t compare to anything else I’ve ever known. And… she set the bar pretty high for everyone else in my life. Later, another friendship developed with another lovely and beautiful person and I thought “Is this real?” because it’s also another uncomplicated friendship. More and more of these friendships arose and today I’m even working with a very close friend too (whom without, this post wouldn’t have been possible).
What drove me to “self-preservation”? When you’re constantly competing with somebody else for a friend’s attention, while depleting your bank account and your emotional well-being to no avail, you’re bound to go a little crazy. I felt/feel inadequate, unwanted, invisible, ABUSED… like an emotional punching bag. The worst of it all? I dare to mention how I feel and I’m told “You’re too sensitive! You’re imagining things!”
I genuinely believed that I incorrectly perceived this behavior as a personal attack and for quite some time, I hated myself for being such a “baby”. Then I’d grovel and try to “make up for it” in spades and so the cycle continued.
Today, I cried my last tears and this is the decision I made. I’ve accepted that I’m a consolation prize and even though I love the memory of the person she was, I won’t allow her to belittle my self-worth any longer.
I sat for a little while with Heather and cried like a little girl – feeling absolutely horrible for exposing this side of me to her. She said “You are a gorgeous person, who loves everyone, but you have to learn to love yourself”. So, from here on out, I HAVE DECIDED to not let this get to me – to not seek the approval of a person who clearly wants nothing more, than to use me as an outlet for her anger and frustration.
Good friends are all around us, we just have to be open to them and recognize them and let them in – another thing I have to work on.