Poor Ginger’s been the receiver of many a phone call from these Indian dudes pretending to be Windows tech support. They tell you that your computer has a virus and then get all sorts of information from you so they can Team Viewer your computer and hold your files ransom.
He’s a real stresser. I mean, he stresses about EVERYTHING so I’ve been aching to get my hands on the phone so I can speak to them so they can just leave him alone already. I realise it may take a couple of calls for this to happen, but I’m up for the challenge.
So I’ve made a list of hoax-diffusers:
- Burst into pretend tears saying “Grandma/Grandpa? Is that you?” and no matter what you say, you just go on pretending it’s Grandma or Grandpa… click…. Beeeeeeeeeeep
- “Hey, yes I do have a computer… but you sound really sexy…. What’s your name? What are you wearing” Common…. Summon your inner pervert – it’s in everyone!
- “Hey… you look really good today! I love that shirt on you. It really brings out your eyes. Don’t look so uncomfortable… I’m not going to kill you … yet. Don’t worry, I’ll make it quick and then I’ll cut off your ears and send them to your parents.”
- Speak in your own language… Afrikaans? Well then Afrikaans the shit out of them!
- Scream…. Just scream like a motha focka. Nothing in particular… just LOUD NOISES!!!
- Breathe in the mouth piece… I don’t think this needs to be explained.
- Try to sell them something “Oh hey! Yes you’re phoning about buying my penis pump. It’s in excellent condition and has only been used 8 times… at most. Has been sterilised for your convenience” en dan gaan jy nuts met jou sales pitch.
- Be totally politically incorrect (and know in your heart of hearts that doing this is wrong but they are scammers… so …) “Oh my goodness! Raj!! Hey Mike!!! It’s Raj from The Big Bang Theory! Aaaaaah!!! Thank you so much for calling me! I knew you’d eventually phone! I love you! What’s going to happen in the new season of Big Bang Theory?”
- Start singing… just sing, because you have a good voice and you know some of the lyrics of the song. Just do it.
- Pretend to be your own voicemail service “Aaaaaaah!!! Gotcha!! I’m not at home at the moment but if you leave your name, number and message after the beep, I’ll get right back to you! Beep boop beep…….”
You have to admit – it’s pretty good! 😀